This is me at 13-ish.

Using way more than the recommended amount of Oxy 10.

12 notes

Carrie’s mom bought this new invention called soda can lids because she said she didn’t want her family putting their mouths on rat poop and poison. Carrie’s mom said grocery stores are dirty and disgusting and covered in poison and it gets all over the soda cans and people don’t even know. I told mom that she needs to buy us this new invention called soda can lids so we don’t get poisoned either and she said there’s already an invention for that it’s called straws.

Filed under me at 13

4 notes

We’re getting confirmed this year so I had to go to the priest’s house behind the baseball field to take a test. I guess if like I didn’t pass it or something then I wouldn’t get confirmed which would be bullshit because they never taught us anything other than how to say the rosary and a bunch of memorized prayers. Most of my friends dropped out last year when they wouldn’t let us sit wherever we wanted to during mass at CCD, and I was only doing it this year because dad said that once I got confirmed I could stop going to church if I wanted to but he bet when I got older I would come back around. I’m only doing it to make him happy and because he said my grandma would be sad if I didn’t, but I’m never coming back to church after this. So, I showed up all angry and hating church like usual and went into the house where they let the priests live. It smelled weird and old and I don’t understand why they can’t just let them live in an apartment like a normal person. Why do they have to live somewhere with the same tile floors we have in school? I didn’t go in his bathroom but I bet it smells a lot like Lysol and Ivory bar soap. He made me sit down and showed me this miniature doll size table with a bunch of figurines standing around it and asked me what it was. I didn’t know. I couldn’t understand why he had figurines on a table but then I thought maybe priests have Christmas stuff out all year but not like Christmas stuff just like religious stuff because they’re always thinking about Jesus. I kept staring at the little doll table and figurines until he said, “It looks like the Last Supper, doesn’t it?” I said sure and realized if this was the test then I probably failed it, but if this was the beginning of the test and he was already helping me, then he probably wanted to just pass me to confirmation. I hear the Catholics are losing a lot of people these days. Probably because it’s so boring. They probably want to just confirm everyone they can so they don’t have any more drop-outs. The rest of the questions were about what did the Last Supper mean and why did Jesus die and what is baptism and original sin and blah blah blah. I still don’t really understand all that stuff. If they want us to know this junk they shouldn’t have us memorize so many prayers and practice how to do confession so much. I know Greek and Roman mythology better than this stuff. I wanted to ask the priest to ask me about Beowulf but I got scared that if he didn’t pass me or think I was really trying then my dad would make me do CCD another year until I got confirmed. I guess I talked my way through it enough to pass. I still don’t know who the Holy Ghost is supposed to be but I like to picture it like one of those guys from Scooby Doo.

Filed under too many rules nothing i can use why can't CCD be on the weekend me at 13

13 notes

It’s shit like finding old slides of your dead grandpa looking Don Draper as hell and realizing everybody’s outsides betray their insides. When you’re a geezer, you’re not old inside, you’re still the same badass you driving a dune buggy in cowboy boots, but young people don’t see that. When you’re a teenager, you’re not young inside, you’re 1,000 times more aware and mature and intelligent than adults give you credit for, but old people don’t see that. 

Filed under amc mad men don draper just kidding it's my grandpa me at 13

3,007 notes


"What’s your greatest fear?""Getting a lobotomy."

this is what happens when you go to school to learn. you come home with irrational fears. similarly, mine at this age was getting trepanned. we should all just stop going to school.


"What’s your greatest fear?"
"Getting a lobotomy."

this is what happens when you go to school to learn. you come home with irrational fears. similarly, mine at this age was getting trepanned. we should all just stop going to school.

Filed under me at 13

0 notes

"Let Me Poop" to Disneys Frozen "Let It Go"

This is what happens when you spend 3 hours riding the bus to and from school each day, memorize what the 5th graders are singing because you think they’re cool, and then go home and record what you think is a solid gold popularity hit in the privacy of your bedroom. Hits that would’ve been recorded in the 80’s and 90’s had we had our own computers and cameras include:

1. Paul Revere - Beastie Boys
2. Rump Shaker - Wreckx-n-Effect
3. Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha (all the verses) - Author unknown
4. The Greatest Love of All - Whitney Houston

Filed under riding that bus bobo ski waten taten GRAVITAS me at 13

14 notes

Laura is older than me and in the 9th grade, but I’m in her dance class because I’ve been taking for so long. She has a perfect body with like real big boobs and a teeny tiny waist. I always think of that part in Sixteen Candles when Sam and her friend are looking at Caroline in the shower at school and Jake Ryan’s friend is all, “You got Caroline. Now she’s a wo-man!” Anyway, Laura told me she liked my tights and thought the swirls were really cool. I didn’t want to tell her that there weren’t really any swirls and that it just looked that way because I had on two pairs of tights to make sure the two maxi pads with wings I was wearing would stay in place during my split leaps and skills across the floor.

Filed under precision dance problems end-to-end maxi pads me at 13